Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
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What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
This did not end as expected.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.