Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
a god among men
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
it is time once again
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
you know what ruined my childhood? children
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
more water
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My inexpensive home security system…
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.