Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
You Might Also Like
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
