Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶

Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]