Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!