Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
same but as an audience member
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
