Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My first child will be named New Folder.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Thursday
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day