Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Duolingo getting serious.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.