Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Knock Knock
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.