Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
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Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog