Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom