Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink

Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

Breaking news:

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*