Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

181.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.