Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.

*drops acid*

Ok, go.

OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

This came to me in a dream.

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!