Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.

📸: @blessingmanifesting

#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.

The median voter

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

brain: did we get anything done this weekend?

me: no

brain: ok then at least we relaxed

me: somehow also no

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.