Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looks legit

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Aw man, but that’s the best part

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.

Namaste

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.

Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.