Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Swedish for common sense.

“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.

Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.

MDT: …

M: …

MDT: The usual?

Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.