Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show
8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet