FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

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If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.


[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.


We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.


My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.


My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.



If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned


Bro do you even–

Bro I do.

*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*


Black Super Mario

*Jumps on mushroom*

*Throws fireball at turtle*

*Slides down sewer pipe*

*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*


Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…