If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned
Bro do you even–
Bro I do.
*eyes begin to tear up*
*fist bumping until the sun rises*
Black Super Mario
*Jumps on mushroom*
*Throws fireball at turtle*
*Slides down sewer pipe*
*Arrested for assault, arson, and trespass*
Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…