FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.