FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420