Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

KID 911: wats ur emergency

SON: cant find my shoes

KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?

SON: yes!

KID 911: then it is lost forever

Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?

Me: just a little boo boo.

Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?

Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.

moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike

moving in: you know what this place could use…

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.