Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
what’s the point then??
Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats
Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.