Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
happy friday
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.