Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
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Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.