Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
black phone good
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit