Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
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The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Just me?
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..