Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
LOL
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
