Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
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We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m not wrong
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Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”