Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“i am a sweet baby”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
