Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
All right then, keep your secrets
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me trying to walk in a dream
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
