Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

“To keep their nuts dry.”

HAHAHAHA!

(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

😜

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

still bigger than my 1st New York apartment

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!