[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
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WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.