Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated

aaaaand send

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Toxic snake

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day