Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.

Phlegm fatale, they called her.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE