Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Don’t talk down to me
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
meow
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
