Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over