Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?

Aight bet

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

what do you want!!!!!!!!

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.