Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

The symmetry is uncanny.

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug

don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.