Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

One of the best

Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong