Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Well, shit

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.

Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.

My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.