Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron