FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.