Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*