Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…

Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.