Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

rebranding

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean

water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah

my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?

me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Reminder:

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.