Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

S/o to @funTweeters .

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots