Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
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Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
My loaf of bread looks terrified
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards