just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
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accurate
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.