FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.