Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.