@ohen39

friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

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@Heronhell

I have no use for this *tosses dictionary out of glass square thing which you can see outside through*

@HansGrubertron

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

@HansGrubertron

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

@thepunningman

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

@django

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

@patnspankme

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

@gamecox93

Now that I have an adult coloring book, most arguments with my 3 yr old are over fridge space.

@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”

@dreamthievin

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends