friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

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If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands


When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”


Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?


*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh


“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.


So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.


Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.


I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.

~Drunk Pac-Man


[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana