Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1