Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Proctologist = Analyst
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
🇺🇸🤭
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together