Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.

Thinking about a snail with a limp

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

Very problematic

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh