Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
When you let grandma cat sit
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Cucumbers Anonymous
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
