Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d rather go liquor treating.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.

Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

an airline just for babies.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”