Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

ㅤ

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia

Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-

Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA

Date: Ugh, please just take me home

Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.