Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I used the label maker

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.