@LeBearGirdle

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

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@sock_holliday

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

@ClichedOut

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

@BlackCatBettie

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

@junejuly12

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

@murrman5

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.