Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

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Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me


Why is there no volume control on the microwave? Must it always wake the entire house when I’m trying to quietly nuke the last of the pizza?


White people be callin their grandparents peepee and poopoo


My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.


*showing mom how to use her phone*

What’s the blue button with the bird?



2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics


If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.


Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again


12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.