The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: Good night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Good job Twitter #RAW
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.