Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

doctor: any allergies?

me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.

This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.

SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.