FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
You Might Also Like
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
kids play hide and seek like
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn