Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

I wish I could veto my bills.

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.

Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.