Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

Windchimes

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.