Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”

Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”

Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”

Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks