@YukioExo

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

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@turdfailure

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

@brennadine

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

@thenatewolf

WEBSITE: You must be legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

ME AT 13: [Playing it safe] 623 BC

@Jenny4ashley

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

@sploosk

Welcome to Insults ? Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

@virgiltexas

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

@ksujulie

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.