Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
That was easy.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.