Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

GOD: u wanna go back to earth?

JESUS: why

GOD: to absolve man of sin

JESUS: ehh

GOD: you’d get two birthdays

JESUS: let me get my coat

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Sticker placement is key.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?

Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.

Boss:…

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR