Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
There are no pants in heaven.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.