Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking