Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

spot the difference

I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you

If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit