Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.

Trying to keep the riff raff away.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced