Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

I’m not average. I’m mean.