Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?