Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
You Might Also Like
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.