Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Become ungovernable.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I like long walks away from everyone
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*