Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired