Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

me: how bad is it

dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise

[later]

wife: what did the doctor say

me: linda….i’m dying

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Geez man, take it easy.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.