Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

*changing sex positions*

ok now let’s do a silly one

Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?