Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

It’s that simple 👊🏻