friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.