friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
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may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
wtf is a larm clock?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them